Tips on Controlling Emotional Insecurity in Relationships
The target of emotional insecurity in relationships can be largely in oneself or in the other party. I may fear I will not measure up or that the other party may reject me for what I have done. Alternatively I may fear the other party is losing commitment or has been unfaithful to our relationship.
Strategies to address the insecurity vary with the target of insecurity.
I. I am afraid I won’t measure up.
You cannot reasonably begin by denying that you have responsibilities in a relationship. That would not make sense. Your concern and commitment is necessary for the relationship to exist. If your other commitments prevent you from fulfilling your relational responsibilities, something has to change, whether the relationship ground rules or your other commitments.
However, if a relationship has been established, your fear may represent either an irrational and unbalanced view of your own abilities or lack of confidence in the other party’s acceptance of you, which latter case we will address below.
If you lack reasonable confidence in your own abilities, some neuro-linguistic mental programming may help. In this case, you begin with an intellect saying “I can” and emotions which say “I can’t.” You can use your intellect to identify areas where all you need is more confidence, then compose positive affirmations. Use the affirmations in daily mental exercises over a period of several weeks to train your subconscious mind not to fear.
II. I am afraid the other party will reject me for what I have done.
Aside from realizing that we all have our faults and have all acted in some faulty ways, there may be particular actions we have done which may threaten our relationship. They may, and they may not in the eyes of the other party. Of course in the long run, a relationship must be built on trust, which requires at least some transparency on your part.
The question then comes whether you are prepared for the other party to accept you in spite of what you have done, alter the relationship because of it, or end the relationship.
The negative possibilities may test your integrity and courage. The other party’s reaction may be reasonable or unreasonable; you cannot change that. You can only make your own choices and address your own emotions. Here is where counsel from others regarding your particular circumstances may be appropriate.
III. I am afraid the other party is losing commitment.
Nonverbal communication, withdrawal of previous signs of affection, and verbal clues from the other party may tell us something has changed for the worse. Or we may misinterpret the signs; direct communication is necessary. Perhaps the person is preoccupied with stresses at work or school or family. Perhaps the person is angry with you for something you did. Perhaps the relationship naturally rises and falls, then rises and falls again–this is normal.
But what if the other party won’t open up to me fully? This may engender your suspicion and continued feelings of insecurity, or you may resolve yourself to giving the other party the benefit of the doubt. Time will tell where the other party’s heart lies. In the mean tome, pray for grace to accept what you cannot change, as the saying goes. Patience must be part of any relationship.
IV. I am afraid the other party may have been unfaithful.
Of course the fear of unfaithfulness may be justified or unjustified, and this fear assumes previous agreement as to obligations in the relationship. Without clear obligations, to what can the other party be unfaithful?
Aside from patience and clarification as to the obligations of the relationship, one must ask why one feels the other party has been unfaithful. Is the evidence clear? Are there changes in circumstance that could reduce the possibility of future unfaithfulness, whether or not a past example occurred? Is the nature of the alleged unfaithfulness such that a continued relationship will likely be drastically altered or ended?
Before directly asking the other party or accusing the other party, think of possible outcomes and prepare as best you can for each. Do your homework and give the benefit of the doubt where possible. Of course, the level of difficulty varies. If the relationship is only casual and fluid, possible consequences will be less than with a marriage with children and house.
And an insecure person may seek to avoid confrontation. A bad relationship may be preferred to a severed relationship. Here, getting control of your own fears before confrontation may be advisable. Aside from professional counsel, the Linden Method for Anxiety may be of service to you for this possibility and for other fears and anxieties.
Natural Anxiety Treatments: Part 2
Natural anxiety treatments may depend on the cause or causes of one’s anxiety, or they can consist of modalities which are widely found useful.
We note four more categories in this second part.
IV. Breathing for Panic Attacks
Hyperventilation and shallow breathing is a common problem among anxiety and panic attack sufferers. This breathing practice heightens or causes anxiety symptoms. Controlled, slow and deep breathing both reduces anxiety symptoms and gives the brain feedback that things are OK.
According to Denise F. Beckfield in Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life, practice deep, abdominal breathing at rest by inhaling over a four second period and exhaling over a four second period. Do this breathing consistently for four minutes each session, four times a day for two to six weeks. This trains the brain for easier use of controlled and deep breathing during panic attacks.
V. Lifestyle Changes
I have to introduce this with a clarification. One of the common characteristics of people suffering from anxiety disorders is the behavior of avoidance. We avoid what we fear. And in the case of anxiety disorder sufferers, we avoid responsibilities and things that are healthy, helpful and normal.
In some cases, however, avoidance can be a good thing. Like avoiding the edge of a cliff on a windy day.
Perhaps your job hours and stress is preventing you from maintaining your health with regular exercise, good diet, and enough sleep. Perhaps a combination of stresses is putting you too near the edge. Or you have a problem with alcohol or the side effects of illicit or prescription drugs. Or you are burdened in the present with a difficult past.
Reasonable, practical lifestyle changes and professional diagnosis and counseling may help.
VI. Thought Control
No, I do not mean big brother is watching you. I mean a big help to the control of our anxiety is to stop the “what if” thoughts, the “Am I dying?” thoughts, the “Am I crazy?” thoughts, and otherwise negative thinking … and start thinking rationally, positively, practically, and hopefully.
I’m not talking about some unrealistic pie-in-the-sky optimism, nor am I assuming naive attitude that may be characterized by “its all in your head, just shake it off.”
Rather, for starters I am talking about recognizing that you are bigger than your panic and anxiety, that you can control it. It may take a fight or a war, but yes, you can conquer it.
There are some who prefer keeping their panic and anxiety to the alternatives. That is not the kind of thinking that helps get someone out of an anxiety hole. But a fighting attitude is a good beginning. In principle, let your conscious mind think rationally about your condition. Set your fears straight by replacing fearful thoughts with reasonable and positive ones.
For an effective method on bringing your self-conscious mind back into control and positive thought, see the Linden Method for Anxiety (with which I am affiliated), and if you are a Christian, you may enjoy meditating on some verses from the Bible as outlined in an article on When a Christian is Afraid.
VII. Keeping a Journal
We can control our thoughts better by writing them down. In the short run, it helps us evaluate and organize our thoughts. In the long run, it helps us track progress and work toward goals. Note that keeping a journal is a usual part of cognitive behavior therapy under the supervision of a psychiatrist.
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The Linden Method for Anxiety
Charles Linden researched those who successfully overcame their panic attacks and anxiety disorders to come up with a method of reprogramming the amygdala to reach its normal and balanced state, thus eliminating inappropriate anxiety reactions and phobias of many kinds. The amygdala is a pair of small bits in the limbic system of the human brain where fear responses are centered.
The core of the Linden Method for Anxiety consists of some concepts about fear and some structured exercises that motivated sufferers can use to reprogram their subconscious brain. A condition of anxiety disorders is that the amygdala is “stuck in the on position.” Once applied successfully, the Method enables a person to switch “on” and “off” as reasonably and normally needed (since there are appropriate conditions to feel fear). It is thus a very natural anxiety treatment.
The usual product package consists of the key portion of the method, in DVD or pdf format, a number of audio recordings, and bonuses useful for addressing various specific issues. A highlight of The Linden Method is its 24 hour phone and email service for a full year after purchase. A staff is available to help with technical or motivational difficulties, periodic hurdles, or other counseling needs.
Linden suggests there are three kinds of anxiety sufferers. One, those who protect and value their anxiety, two those with a casual interest in making a change should a quick and easy solution arise, and three, those who are actively seeking their own improvement.
Linden warns that those who are interested in his method must follow directions carefully and consistently until the amygdala is properly re-conditioned. When directions are rigorously applied, re-conditioning often happens remarkably quickly. Nonetheless, patients have a full year to seek a refund, though better than 96% of users are cured using the method.
The Linden Method (with which the writer is affiliated) has been successfully used on the very young to the very old, but simple additional instructions are available for an adult supervising treatment of anxiety disorder in the child or adolescents.
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Panic Attack Information: An Overview
A panic attack is a brief, intense feeling of terror for unknown or irrational causes.
Symptoms may include rapid heart beat, breathing difficulty, tightened neck and shoulder muscles, sweat or chills, dry mouth, a feeling of unreality or as if one is dying, abdominal pain, fear of loss of control, and difficulty controlling the bladder. Onset is typically sudden and without warning.
Once a first panic attack is endured, fear of further panic attacks can restrict a person’s life style and behavior.
Triggers to panic attacks may be direct or indirect, and include, for example, a chemical imbalance in the brain brought on in part by a food or drug allergy, alcohol, environmental toxins, nutritional deficiency, or withdrawal reaction to a drug or alcohol. Triggers can also include a genetic predisposition, delayed and cumulative effects of a single or multiple traumatic experiences, stress, fear of another panic attack, and parental teaching or modeling in child maturation years.
Peak ages for the first onset of panic attacks is roughly 12 to 19.
Treatment of panic attacks can include tranquilizing pharmaceutical medications, cognitive behavior or other therapy, prayer and meditation, relaxation techniques, acupuncture, biofeedback, exercise, nutrition such as herbs or vitamins, aromatherapy, talking to a trusted and wise friend, and lifestyle changes.
Cognitive behavior therapy can involve the patient keeping a diary of symptoms and circumstances to identify patterns and possible trigger sources (and to inject a measure of rational thought), recognizing suppressed feelings, breathing control exercises, provoking questions to help the patient consider likely and more positive possible “what if” scenarios, and controlled exposure to fears to grow accustomed to them and learn coping techniques. Panic attacks are generally interoceptive, meaning that the symptoms of an attack can be brought on fairly easily under therapy conditions in order to handle the attacks experimentally.
Another way of handling these symptoms is relaxation techniques. Being aware of tense muscles and rapid breathing is the first cue to relaxing. Breathing can be controlled, for example, by inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth, perhaps counting to three or four in between. Or a person can blow gently out of the mouth with slightly pursed lips until the lungs are nearly empty.
A significant point in rehabilitation is for the patient to feel the symptoms of a panic attack coming on while feeling confident that he or she can handle them, and that they will soon go away. (See panic attack relief for more.)
Panic attacks themselves are classified as a panic or anxiety disorder. The attacks themselves may be a symptom of or associated with other anxiety disorders such as post traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and agoraphobia.
Post traumatic stress disorder occurs after the patient witnessed graphic violence, trauma, or the death of a parent or spouse. It may also occur after experienced physical or sexual abuse.
From the outside, obsessive compulsive disorder may be seen in excesses of repetitive action or unbalanced preoccupations. From the inside, an obsessive-compulsive person uses behavior as a means to avoid or suppress anxious and unwanted thoughts.
Agoraphobia is the fear of places or settings, particularly because the onset of a panic attack and embarrassment is feared in that place or setting.
Panic attacks are often debilitating, but they are treatable. For a successful method of retraining the brain not to panic, see The Linden Method.
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When a Christian Is Afraid: What to Do
For hundreds, no thousands of years, Christians through the Scriptures have received comfort and encouragement in difficult circumstances, including circumstances that evoke anxiety and worry.
Circumstances that evoke fear are many and varied, but one of the root issues for many Christians has long been confidence in knowing God loves them, forgives them, and will bring them into heaven when they die. God is, after all, the Creator and sustainer of the universe, and the One who ordains and controls history, yet remains without sin. For the Christian, confidence that one is at peace with such a God is important indeed.
Relevant to such confidence is John’s first epistle, which he wrote “to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life” (1 John 5:13). John sprinkles criteria by which a Christian may know he or she has eternal life into his epistle. As is written elsewhere, “Make your calling and election sure” (2 Peter 1:10). Or “examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith” (2 Corinthians 13:5).
The criteria in 1 John help in this task of self-examination. They include loving God and keeping His commandments, such as “loving the brethren” (that is loving fellow Christians) and avoiding sin. Also included are believing and confessing that Jesus is the Christ, that Christ came in the flesh and that He is the Son of God. Listening to the teachings of the apostles is a further criteria. If the believer in Jesus qualifies based on these criteria, he or she has confidence in having eternal life.
But confidence in knowing one has eternal life is not the only avenue of comfort and encouragement given voice in the Scriptures. There are texts which encourage Christians to believe that God protects, provides, strengthens, heals, delivers, cares for, and so on. These are too numerous to list here, save a select few (each in the NIV translation) as follows.
Psalm 23:1 “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.”
Psalm 27:1 “The LORD is my light and my salvation — whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life — of whom shall I be afraid?”
Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Jeremiah 29:11 “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’.”
Matthew 6:33 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
John 16:33 “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation shall be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
Philippians 4:19 “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”
2 Timothy 1:7 “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.”
Hebrews 13:5-6 “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’”
1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
Look in the table of contents of your Bible if needed to find these verses in their respective contexts. If any particular passage is particularly appropriate or meaningful to you, you may want to memorize it or repeat it when you are under stress. God does not want the Christian to worry. Remember that it is “through endurance and the encouragement of Scriptures” that Christians “have hope” (Romans 15:4b).
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When a Christian Has Anxiety …
Are you a Christian who struggles with anxiety? Perhaps your debt load is causing you worry. Perhaps your spouse’s behavior makes you afraid your relationship will not last. Or you fear you may be laid off from your job … or that you can’t find a job. Perhaps you went through some traumatic experience or a series of stressful events. Or you have some health condition or genetic predisposition that makes you more susceptible to being nervous. Or you worry over something you can’t quite put your finger on …
Then there may be added pressure because you have at least some feeling that as a Christian you shouldn’t worry. You may have received well-meaning advice from fellow Christians telling you that you should not worry. God will take care of you. And so you try not to worry and you put up a good front when at church so your friends will not make you feel guilty or give advice without knowing what you are going through.
And you know that God is good. God will take care of you. Or more importantly, whatever God does to you or allows to happen to you is His decision. He is God, and you are not. You know that you should not be afraid, but be at peace. But somewhere inside, you wonder if God will be good TO YOU. Wonder what will happen if … Worry how you will survive if …
Or perhaps it’s gone further than that. Perhaps your anxiety has become chronic. Perhaps you have panic attacks. Perhaps you avoid places or daily life activities.
Of course, if you are in the way of a speeding Mac truck, the whole adrenaline, heart-pumping, tight-muscled, racing sort of reaction is reasonable until you are out of harm’s way. Stressful, harmful, painful things do happen even to the best of us. But not all of our reactions are so practical or reasonable as jumping out of the way of a truck.
Remember when the disciples were in a boat with a sleeping Jesus on the Sea of Galilee? A storm suddenly whipped up, the disciples woke Jesus fearing that they were about to drown, Jesus calms the storm with a word and then says … “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” Apparently Jesus expected His disciples to have known that the Father’s agenda did not include drowning for His Son or disciples.
Granted, worry shows I don’t trust God’s power, wisdom, or goodness. And, if you are His child, He will act toward you as a good Father. Just knowing that gives you a great advantage even though you may not always feel that it does. But your problems may have a number of causes and your way out may best be served with a multi-pronged approach tailored to your condition.
That might require professional help, the support and prayers of church members who truly understand your circumstances, changes in lifestyle, natural remedies, medical attention, your faithful meditation on the Scriptures, ongoing prayer with thankfulness, among other possibilities. Your way out may be quick and easy, or it may require time and effort or patience and endurance. Even love in the storms.
Christians should not worry, but in this life Christians also struggle with sin. Denying that we worry is not only not the answer, but a sign that we are denying a sin Christ died to wash away. If we have no sin (or say we have none) we don’t need a Savior from sin. But it does not end there.
If we confess our worry, our unbelief, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness through Jesus our Advocate (cf. 1 John 1:8-2:1). In the end, peace with God will prove the most important kind of peace.
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